where the **** do i even start?

i’m calling this a confession but i think it’s more likely that this is my way of getting my head around everything that has taken place with you, with the feelings, with the wanting and wishing.

our conversations were amazing, our connection was undeniable, our mutual attraction was unavoidable and so it was all the more painful that it ended the way it did.

you came into my life by complete accident, beautiful serendipity and you will never know how desperately i wanted to give you everything you needed, deserved, craved. i never intended to start feeling the way i did, i never intended to give you false hope. i f**ked up, i hurt you and that is unacceptable.

i guess people will call me a ‘player’ for how everything unfolded but my intentions were not that dark. i wanted to talk with someone, to pass the time, to have a laugh. you came along and my prayers were answered in abundance. you are unbelievably amazing, so easy to talk with, exchange ideas with, crack jokes with, flirt with….. maybe that was my initial mistake. flirting should have been refrained from.

you captured my mind, my imagination, my desire. with each word exchanged i found myself drawn to you more, i allowed myself to fall into the trap of many a married person. i found myself craving the excitement of the unknown, the promise of adventure, the allure of someone new to learn, to experience, to seduce.

those nights we stayed on the phone talking about life, work, love, kids, desire…. those conversations will last me a lifetime. the sweetness of your laugh, the seductiveness of your voice when you whispered the words of wanting, of longing…… damn my weakness, damn my inability to stop.

it had been so long since i felt goosebumps at the thought of someone, so long since i had daydreamed about the feel of a touch, a kiss, so long since my head wasn’t filled with work, so long since i knew i was yearned for, that my voice was enough to make someone weak, that i could make someones heart race just by calling them.

you have no idea how much i wish i could be the person you want me to be, how i wish i could be the protector you need, how much i wish my life had been different so i could be with you, so i could show you how crazy i am to spend time with you.

you are an incredible, wonderful, intelligent, funny, alluring, stunning lady and you deserve better than me, you deserve to be treated with the same honesty, the affection, the loyalty, the respect that you give without question. you are my biggest regret, you are my achilles heel.

i am so sorry. i am so, so, so sorry for letting you believe i could be yours, for misusing your trust, for betraying your heart, for being the stupid **** that i now know i am.